Lee-Ryan Spillman

My little boy is called Lee-Ryan he died through stillbirth on 9th September 2006 and i gave birth to him on 13th September 2006. At the time we was living in newbury but i went to the North Hampshire Hospital in Basingstoke. He has one older Step-brother Kieran who is nearly 5 and now has a little brother Bradley who is nearly a year old.
When i was 9weeks pregnant(25th April 2006) i had a really heavy bleed, so bad i had to have a blood tranfusion, they told me that it was most likely that i'd miscarried, i was heartbroken! The next morning they took me down for a scan, i was so upset that i shouted at the sonographer saying there was no point in a scan as my baby was gone! But she continued anyway. Then on the screen was this little bean! My mum was with me and she could see the baby, it was my 1st pregancy so i didnt really no what i was looking for. Then my mum smiled, and the sonographer said theres your little baby, and told me that there was a strong heart beat, but there was some bad news, from what she could tell on the scan i'd miscarried a twin! I was very sad but i knew i had to be strong for the little bean in my tummy! So my pregnacy continued and all was well until 7th September, i woke about 6am as my waters had broke and there was blood everywhere, i just remember screaming and my partner phoning 999! I got rushed to hospital in an ambulance i wasnt in any pain but blood was everywhere! When i got to hospital they checked baby and his heart beat was still strong but they were going to take me down for a scan. About 9am i got taken for my scan, i saw him on the screen and i could see his heart beat! She asked me how many weeks i was and i said 28 weeks! But Lil man had stopped growing as he was only the size of 21 weeks. They kept me in hospital and i was given steriod injections incase he did come early. They said they would have got him out there and then but they couldnt give me a normal C-Section as my placenta hadnt rised. On the 9th September my partner came to visit me about 7pm and he asked a midwife if he could hear the heart beat. The midwife put the doppler on my tummy and didnt speak to me, then she walked out the room, and came back with a doctor, who also put the doppler on my tummy, the doctor then said that he was just going to get a portable scan machine as he was having difficultly finding a heart beat
. So he did a scan then left the room again and returned with another doctor who also did a scan on me. i just remember the face when he looked at me when he said....I'm really sorry!..... I don't think i've ever cried so much! I was screaming and kicking i even grabbed the scanner and put it on my tummy saying that they'd made a mistake but....my baby had died. They transfered me to the S.A.N.D.S (stillbirth and neonatal death sociaty) suit where they gave me a tablet to start my labour and told me to come back in 4 days unless i go into labour naturally, i went home and two days later i went into labour. its was a long and exhausting time and the pain was terrible. They gave me morphine to make me a bit drwosy as i told them id didnt want to remember the labour. After 44hours there was still no progress, so they moved me down to the delivery suit and gave me a hormone drug, but still nothing. In the end they took me down to theatre and put me to sleep. They didnt give me C-section as they said they couldnt, so they used forcepts to pull him out. I was down in the theatre about an hour and they said his head wasnt down he was laying like he was ina hammock so it was difficult! When i came round from the general i was in so much pain and i looked at my partner and just cried. About half hour later the midwife brought a moses basket into the room. I told her to stop! I was scared! I told her to just put it at the end of the bed and i will look at him in my own time. 20 minutes later i finally looked at him. He was so so perfect! When Lee-Ryan got taken by the angels i refused post-mortum, as he looked so peaceful, but i let them do studies on his placenta, but they found no reason for why he died. This really hurt as now i will never know why my buba left me. The doctors just told me that he was a very poorly boy as he was small for his gestation. The hardest thing is that i never got to see his eyes open, and i never got to hear him cry. Its so unfair that something so inoccent and precious has to go and not be with the people that want to love and care for them, i just wish things were different!
He was so tiny only weighing 14oz, but he was so perfect in everyway. He had blonde hair, a perfect little button nose and his lips were like little rose buds. He is so so special to me!
He is now my angel that sticks by my side, and everytime the wind blows, i imagine that its Lee-Ryan blowing me a kiss. He will always be my son even though i will never get to see him again until we meet in heaven where we can curl up on a fluffy cloud and i can hold my little boy again and let him know that everything is going to be ok and that mummy loves him very very much xx